"To be asked “Where are you from?” is a way of telling you are not from here. The questioning, the interrogation can stop only when you have explained yourself". (Sara Ahmed, Living A Feminist Life)
Having spent my winter on a remote Thai island, I found myself engaging in numerous small talks, primarily with fellow Germans, given that this island is predominantly frequented by German visitors.
When I step outside the familiar embrace of Berlin, my carefully selected circle of open-minded individuals, I'm rudely reminded that I exist in a bubble. A bubble that shields me from the stereotypical questions and statements that seem to sprout like unwarranted weeds. Some exqamples:
But you don't look like Turkish!
It is not possible for you to eat pork, right?
Why don't you drink alcohol, for religious reasons?
What do you think about Erdogan?
And there I stand, staring back at them, my eyes screaming what my lips won't complete. I'm at the point that I don't enthusiastically explain myself anymore. I'm too mature, too fulfilled, too conscious to embark on the boring journey of self-justification. I've grown beyond the need to befriend minds that rely on such superficial categorizations. I've on the other hand mastered the art of creating a distance that they'll never comprehend. I'm just too old for this nonsense.`
A human being is an incredibly unique existence like puzzle pieces, complex blends with a rainbow of experiences and encounters. Why do we persist in boxing people into predefined categories? Can't we break free from the shackles of stereotypes and liberate our minds and shift our focus to the unique individual right in front of us embracing the richness of their individuality?
But you don't look like Turkish!
I want to answer this one with a great art work from Dr. Işıl Eğrikavuk who is a Turkish-born international performance artist and academic based in Berlin.
"Having started to live in Germany, I started to hear this comment “But you don’t look Turkish” often. What does a Turkish person look like? What does a Turkish woman supposed to look like? What are the stereotypes people attribute to others based on their kinships, passport and nationalities? “But You Don’t” is a photography work, where I wanted to reflect back this comment to its owners." Dr. Işıl EğrikavukIt is not possible for you to eat pork, right?
Well, I have everything to get to eat pork meet or drink alcohol. It is not a possibility, but a matter of preference. There could be various reasons why someone chooses to eat/drink or avoid it. What's certain is that the reasons behind my preference aren't up for discussion in our initial conversation, like you wouldn't ask whether an Italian (who by default is born as a Catholic) uses birth protection or not.
What do you think about Erdogan?
I don't think about him. Not at all. I'm not interested in national politics. Being a Turkish-born person doesn't necessarily make me qualified to have an opinion about Turkish politics.
Here are some questions to genuinely get to know someone:
Where do you live, and how do you find life there? What do you enjoy the most about your place?
Aside from work, what are your interests?
Where is your dream holiday destination, and why?
Are you passionate about music or sports?
What brought you to this particular place?
Believe me, you won't even need to ask the question "Where are you from?" When you ask these questions, people will share their stories, providing context, and you'll naturally learn where they're from, as if it really matters!
Thank you all for your engagement and great contribution to this post. Funny enough I met a little person today. He might have been the most charming live-being I have ever seen. We went into a discussion and I got to know that his mother is half Finnish - half Swedish, his father is Israili. Little person was born and raised in England until he was 5 and then they moved to Ibiza. It is a nomad family, he is being homeschooled. We are in an era that it is really not easy to define themselves with a nation or country for many of us. Many of us are beyond one nation; we are transnationals from the 3rd space ;)
Thanks for the good read. My Thailand Trip is putting into discussion a lot of smalltalk phrases i learned after a lifetime of solo travelling Just to 'break the ice'.
After falling myself into the temptation of asking an Artist where he was from, he gave me the best possible answer with 'from the moon'.
I will safe this one for future smalltalks.
XX Simon
I have struggled with this my whole life. Never too good for either of the countries i grew up in. And I thought I was a weirdo for not looking Swedish or not acting Guatemalan. Always felt like I never belonged. And then one day o came to the realisation that I didn't have to be one or the other. I can be Juan of a kind and that is good enough for me
Very well described, honest and also reflective (hopefully) for people who come across this story and might identify themselves in these questions and comments.
And you know what? It made think of comments I hear like "im proud of my Italy and no places are like Italy". And I really struggle here! BUT what exactly this means, like what I should really be proud of? and REALLY? No places like Italy? as much as none as UK, Russia or Greece etc. cause they are all unique, arent they?! And coming back to the sense of pride, how can I really be proud of the randomness of circumstances that brought my parents get to know each other in the place where…
Such a relatable topic! As a person living abroad for more than 10 years, I came accross with so many variations of the same in the countries that I lived in and it does get really tiring, mostly because I felt like I'm on the side who didn't want to get identified just by their nationality. But after years, I actually started to apply what I learned from this experience to the interactions that I have with any new encounter. Meaning that, I'm genuinely more interested in getting to know the person I just met for who are they rather than jumping straight to the super unfriendly question of where are they from ;) as it was very well put…