Illustrations: Nazli Kocoglu
Have you ever asked a fish to get you a newspaper?
As silly as it sounds, believe me, my friends, we've all done it! Our newspaper arrived soggy and damp, and to our surprise—surprise!—we found ourselves quietly (or not) dissatisfied with the fish for simply being a fish.
But do we actually have the right to question the quality of the delivery unless the fish initially pretended to be a bird? How many times have we found ourselves futilely fighting against the laws of nature, desperately trying to push the fish up the phylogenetic tree to transform it into a bird capable of proper newspaper delivery, all because we believe we deserve it?
We often place demands on others, expecting them to fulfill roles or meet our emotional needs that are simply beyond their capacity or nature. When our newspaper arrives soggy and unreadable, and our desired outcomes are not achieved, the unmet expectations weigh heavily on our mental state, leading to frustration, resentment, and dissatisfaction.
But let us pause for a moment of reflection. Is it fair to blame the fish for being a fish? Or perhaps, it's high time we give ourselves a gentle nudge and admit that dissatisfaction arises not from the actions of others, but from our own misguided assumptions and/or perceptions?
Oh, I catch you nodding along with a sparkle in your eye! 😍 Vast majority of my folks aware of the fact that accountability is on us, yet it is still very challenging to protect our mental state from the external factors.
I couldn't help but wonder, why is it that managing our feelings in such moments of dissatisfaction proves to be such a challenge?
Well, my friend, I have an answer to that question! But first allow me to share with you a true event that took place very recently.
Picture this: a sunny day, a charming setting, and suddenly, there they are—my ex and his current flame, caught in the same fishbowl as yours truly! 🙈
It was shaky, intense and felt very uncomfortable. But why? He's an ex, someone I've moved on from. My present self is on a completely different level, and his presence shouldn't even register. Yet, there I was, shaken to my core for two days, desperately seeking an answer to the burning question: Why the heck was I feeling this way?
It took me two days of soul-searching to sort out the knots within, and amidst the chaos, a source of light emerged: the wisdom harvested from my readings, listenings and numerous
therapy sessions. As I delved into the depths of my own growth and self-awareness, I found solace in the profound insights unearthed during those transformative efforts.
Have I made a proper farewell to my old self that was driven by my wounded inner child?
In our minds, there's a constant battle between our mature self and our wounded inner child. While you may have grown into a mature individual who understands the need for acceptance, patience, and the complexities of the world, who may have a successful career or even be a decision maker, your inner child remains frozen in time, unable to comprehend these concepts.
This wounded inner child, shaped during a period of emotional and sensitive development without the cognitive reasoning to navigate dysfunction, often emerges in emotional situations because it communicates through your emotions, often leading to self-sabotage and self-destructive thoughts and behavior. It tends to view things from a simplistic, childlike perspective, criticizing and judging you harshly (I'm not good enough, I can't cope, I'm unloveable). Just like a biological child who cries out when things don't go their way, your inner child protests, 'It's not fair, mommy and daddy! It's not the way I want it.'
This creates confusion and conflict between your mature self and your wounded inner child.
Despite being a gorgeous creature, our inner child can become very dominant, sometimes even striving to be more superior than our mature self. Although our present self may not prefer it this way, we have embraced this dynamic for so many years.Even though it's not successful, it's FAMILIAR.
The wounded inner child aspect of our mind can spiral out of control, disrupting our balance, and leading us off target. It often generates problems and obstacles, hindering our ability to live authentically and reach our full potential.
As scary as it sounds, this child isn't so bad after all. This part of our mind is also giving us joy, hunger excitement at times. Our job is to go down and talk to her. 'Look at us, dear child! We've become independent from the hurt and unfairness we once experienced. We are seen and understood, at last! Let's collaborate, baby. You are not alone in the dark; you have me!'
In addition to communication, changing behaviour in a child often involves applying rules and discipline. Just as we set boundaries and provide guidance to a young child, we can establish healthy boundaries within ourselves to nurture our wounded inner child and encourage positive growth.
So, my beloved friends, I've finally managed to ground my inner child without directing anger towards anyone or anything. I take full responsibility for what brings me down, empowering myself to take control of my own healing process. It isn't the smartest thing to depend our well-being on others after all. The Fish will remain as fish.
So, my dear adventurers, let's embark on this journey of emotional accountability together! Remember, when life gives you lemons, don't just make lemonade—add some sugar, a splash of sass, and a whole lot of self-love. Cheers to embracing our inner child, setting healthy boundaries, and living authentically! Here's to us! 🥂
References:
David James Lees & Alexandra Lees - Wu Wei Wisdom
Dr. Nicole Lepera - The Holistic Psychologist
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